Sunday post #2 - see the other one below
Don't anybody die of shock or anything, but I was on time for church today. Now, they started the announcements as I was going to sit down, but my foot had stepped over the threshhold before the first words were spoken from the pulpit, so it counts! It was an accomplishment today. Just celebrating the little things, you know.
Which sort of brings me around a more serious topic (stick with me here, you'll get it.) I've had a hard struggle over the past two years with my spirituality and general self-esteem. I've made some major mistakes, a lot of which were financial, but some were personal issues too, and while that may not seem really bad to some people, for me it's been hard to stop kicking myself on a daily, if not hourly, basis. I mean, I was probably clinically depressed for a long time. I had days where if I kept the kids safe and fed them, that was all I could accomplish. Forget a clean house, forget quality time with the kids, forget spiritual progress, forget any other useful activity at all, I mean I just sort of floated through the days, doing as little as possible, just sort of existing. I know my sister would tell me to get some decent meds, and heaven knows they would have made a difference, but I am nothing if not stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, and I just wanted to hide away, and lick my wounds in private. For some really sad reason, I needed my grief. Still do, I think. It's like I need it sometimes so I can remember who I am, what things I've learned, to keep me grounded, because I never, never, never want to be that kind of stupid again, period.
And something about me has changed, too. It's been changing since I got married and had kids, and realized that this really spectacular, wonderfully good life I thought being married and having kids was going to give me, never materialized, at least not in the way that my twenty-year-old self understood it. I woke up to the reality of work and sacrifice, where I could see that I'm not all that fantastic of a person right now. I'm so far off from my ideal, you just don't know. Now, I know I don't want to be all down on myself, but I'm just tired of dragging around this baggage of "I'm not perfect, I'm not worthy." And I think what the last two years have done to me, is kind of broken my inner self down to the basics, and made room to start over fresh, to do things one at a time, line upon line, precept upon precept, to help me be in a place that is teachable. I think I just want to quit worrying about being perfect at everything right now, and take what's good and add a little at a time. I hope that I get the space and time to get it together, that if I can just keep this forward-reaching attitude, I can slowly over the years to come, become this person that I see inside, that will be the tool that Heavenly Father wants me to be, to help build His kingdom and be of service to other people.
And I think that's what I want my overall attitude to be right now: how can I be of service to other people, to help lift them up? Because I just don't want to worry about how good I am right now. I don't want to block myself off from internalizing the principles of the gospel, and deliberately shut myself off from the Spirit, but I just can't do everything all at once. It's like prayer: I have a hard time working out my issues in prayer, praying that I can be good, when I know there's so much I'm not doing right, and just not ready for. But maybe I can say a few words of gratitude for the things I'm thankful for, and pray for the welfare of other people if I can't pray for myself. I hope I can get to the point where I can read my scriptures daily, because for a long time, I've just felt like, "I am so messed up, I just can't handle the my sense of unworthiness when I think about reading them." You can't help but compare yourself and your attitudes to the prophets there, and think that you've fallen so short. But I pray that enough time passes that the wheels in my head will at least roll in a forward motion, and some day there will be space in my heart to do the things I should do, and be glad. That's why I'm making a renewed effort to connect with other people, because I've been hiding out in my cave for a long time, and I think I can let go of stuff a lot easier if I just hit the reset button more often, which is what can happen when you interact with other people. Plus, it's good to step outside of myself and see what's going on with other people, and maybe with service, I can forget my own issues from time to time, which is a good thing.
P.S. I hope I wasn't too depressing here, and I really, really do love my family. They have changed me, and left that twenty-year-old in the dust, and that's a good thing. I definitely don't want to criticize any moms out there who work and have kids, heaven knows I've not been a 100% stay-at-home mom myself, but I made a conscious decision in college to pick a family over a career, and while it's revealed my stupidity and weaknesses in more ways than I care to count, it was the right thing and the best thing for me to do. I'll never regret it.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Line upon line, precept upon precept
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3 comments:
Becky,
I love this entry you made in your blog. It has helped me in seeing you as a real person and not just my sister in law. Thanks for sharing your blog URL with me/us...
Anyway, I wanted to reply. I pray that you do not get offended over my response. I think instead of writing a whole bunch of stuff down, that the best way for you to understand what I would say would be to watch this little video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDvjfBIx1B0
To me, this is what "line upon line, precept upon precept" is really all about. I hope you are not offended. It's just my own personal take on things...
~~Curt
I finally have a few quiet moments to comment.
It seems that you have recognized that you were letting your grief define you. While it's true that remembering our mistakes and the pain they caused can help keep us from making those same mistakes over again, lingering in our self-loathing weakens us. One of Satan's greatest tools is disappointment. It can eat away at you until you are so bitter and dissatisfied that you are incapable of feeling joy.
Did not the Savior suffer so that our suffering could have limits? His gift was not a guarantee against pain, just a promise that there would be an end to it and that He could succor us in our pain like no one else. It's time for you to allow your grief to end. Do not presume that you can decide when you have been forgiven- only God has that power. By letting your mistakes define you, you are denying the power of the Atonement.
Yes, we all screw up. And I definitely feel your pain on the poor financial choices. But God intends for us to learn and improve, not to be defeated. That is Satan's plan for us.
As Pres. Hinckley's father counseled him on his mission, "Forget yourself and go to work." I think that is a big reason the daycare has been so good for you. It gives you a task and a direction each day, something you can work on and accomplish successfully every day. No more lingering on the unfinished scrapbook projects for your booth, no more frustration over not being able to accomplish what you assign yourself each day.
Service is truly the answer to forgetting your sorrows. There just isn't time for self-pity when you're trying to comfort and assist someone else.
I watched the "We don't need no education" video that Curt posted. I think it is very accurate if you view the school master as Satan. He wants to beat us down, belittle us and make us feel like we are just machines, only here to plod along without the capacity for joy and pleasure. But God's greatest hope for us is that we might have joy. That we might revel in being free from Satan's discouragement and oppression, just as the children in the video are free from the school master's oppression.
I love you Becky! Keep on movin' and allow yourself to enjoy the triumphs of each day, regardless of how small or large.
Thanks for your comments you guys. I knew I wouldn't express myself very well, especially considering I haven't figured everything out myself. That's the risk of spilling your guts one day. The odds are, feelings and perceptions will change down the road, plus the fact that I could probably say the same thing better, after more time to think. But, I felt like it was okay to record the intense feelings I'd been having for the past two years. And, I think I was ready to do that, because I know that I'm changing inside, probably ready to let go of at least some of my unnecessary baggage.
Talking to people in person is often very frustrating for me, because almost 100% of the time, I just can't get the words out right, and I wish I'd expressed myself better. My brain is just not wired for very well for social conversation. I think I'm much better in print, where I can think about what I want to say. Not that it's perfect, and I still want to edit myself later sometimes. While there's some honesty and truth to be had in spontaeous conversation, where you can hear the tone of voice and see body language, for me there's a depth I can achieve in print that I have a hard time getting out in person. That's why I'm kind of shy socially, and one of the reasons the printed word has always appealed to me, because I can think and feel things that are hard to with other people in real time. Even as a child, I read and read and read, probably more than I played with other kids, especially as I got older. I still don't have any long-lasting friends like most women do, but I'm trying to change that now by reaching out more to other people.
Curt, no I'm not offended at all. It's just that we don't feel the same way about some things. And, you know what, that's okay. We're different people with different life experiences, but that doesn't mean we can't talk to each other about things we feel and believe. I was sort of jamming along to the tune you linked to, probably remembering adolescence, I guess. In the end, though, I don't see all organized religion that way. We could probably both cite instance after instance of religion-gone-bad, you more than me because you absorb information and history like a sponge. But I have inside me this ever-reaching need to improve, to feel achievement, and I don't see religion as a hindrance to that. I know there are a lot of people that use a set of rules to keep other people down, and heaven knows that as imperfect people we have a hard time grasping the concept of love, forgiveness, and charity, but I really see this path of ever-improvement as essential to humanity. I could go on and on about why people in religion treat other people so horribly, but I'd wind up writing a dissertation in this blog comment, and I think you understand the weaknesses and failings of human nature. Just suffice it to say I think it's easy to confuse forward-moving-on-the-path with perfection-right-now, and I think that's what I'm coming to terms with, personally. I'm just so hard on myself sometimes. There are a lot of ways to label people, I suppose, but one of the things that I've come to believe is that there are people who want to lift everyone up with them, and others who want to keep people down where they think they belong. I see the Savior and Heavenly Father as trying to lift us as far as we're willing to go, and helping us to make up the difference in our own failings. And, I want to help in lifting other people, too. I just struggle sometimes in knowing how to help, and not wanting to offend people. But I've decided that trying and making mistakes with people is better than doing nothing at all. I really have to stop being so sensitive, to quit worrying so much about dumb little things.
Sue, thanks for your comments. I think you're right on. It's just hard sometimes to make that transition between I'm-an-idiot to I'm-okay-now. Letting go of stuff can be hard. I guess I'm just gun-shy of the next big mistake, thinking it's inevitable. Maybe I'll cope with it better than I did the last time. But I'm determined to keep on that ever-reaching path. Read my "Keep On Growing" blog post, I think that was an awesome insight, for me anyway.
And for anyone else who reads this, thanks for reading my blog, and posting comments. It really helps to stay in touch with people. I know we've all got busy lives, and I appreciate it when you take the time to leave comments. Even just a sentence or two is great! Lots of love, Becky
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