Oh man, Monday was super emotional! Let's go back a few days, to the first night home from the hospital. It was really draining the first day back home. I was moving around like a cripple from my c-section surgery scars, and trying to give enough attention to all my children. Then, that night my Mom, Dani, and I went to see opening night for Gil's play. I had to send them out the door instead of us all going together, so I could finish nursing Sam. I was a couple minutes late, and I forgot to bring my camera, but I got to see Gil's play and Sammy stayed asleep the whole time. Thank goodness! At the hospital, Sam was a really good nurser, had maybe one or two slightly rough patches with that, but basically everything was wonderful. But Thursday night, I must have spent three or four hours nursing him off and on, trying to get him to go to sleep, so I could sleep. I was so strung out, I just thought, "I can't have nights like this, I have too many other things to take care of, too many needs to meet." So, I cracked open the can of formula, and filled up his tummy with a bottle. Long story short, that was the beginning of the end of the nursing. Sam's appetite was picking up, and with the trouble I have always had with my milk supply, I just didn't want to string out the struggle to be a nursing mother, and I began supplementing him with formula after every time I nursed him. If I was super, super determined to nurse him, I should not have given him formula for nearly another two weeks, but he would have been starving (Emma kept losing weight the first few weeks I tried to nurse her, and I just didn't want a repeat this time) and it would have been a big drain on me emotionally to keep going, fighting a baby's hunger and frustration. Just not possible with four other kids in the house to keep up with, even if the teenagers are helpful, which they truly are.
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but with the birth of every one of my children, I have this vision of "true motherhood" or something, and I can't help but try and make myself a good nurser, despite experience to the contrary. It's always so emotional to start the formula, it makes me feel like a failure, even though I know it's illogical. It should be about what's best for the baby, not what my emotional needs are. So, for several days, I just kept trying and trying to keep the nursing going, even though Sam quickly screamed and cried every time I tried to nurse, and soon he just quit trying, going to sleep instead of seriously trying to get any milk out of me. By Monday, I knew the nursing was over with, and I've only been nursing him for a few minutes several times a day since then, just to take the edge off my overly full breasts. Yeah, I know, it sounds like I have lots of milk for him, but trust me, it's not anywhere near what he would need, even if he was still willing to nurse. But I was very weepy Monday.
And then Dani and I had some wonderful moments just sitting and watching tv together after school Monday. Big Ben was on a show, and that led to a conversation about the building of the Salt Lake Temple, and that led to Dani pouting because she'd gotten some historical facts wrong and she hates being wrong, and that led to my trying to console and sooth her emotions, and then telling her the wonderful things about her (she's so helpful to other children, she's fun and bubbly, and she's strong.) Drama queen stuff, I know, but she's a teenager, and a girl at that. But we love her. It was a random moment, but I felt really warm and close with her. I was weepy during this, too. But then later, Dani was cranky and strung out during Family Home Evening, and that made me cry for an entirely different, and not happy, reason. So, everyone went to bed early that night, and when I woke up the next day with a little more sleep under my belt, I was better and a little more positively resigned to having Sam be a bottle-fed baby. Sometimes, you just have to pick your battles.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Picking Your Battles
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3 comments:
Every day, you have to pick your battles... only 24 hours in that day, and yes sleep is very valuable part of that :-) Keep up your good work. You can fuss a bit about the nursing thing, and then in addition, think about this wonderful body that Heavenly Father has given you that has nourished baby Sammy in so many other ways for the last 9 months. And he has given you the intellect to wisely select your battles. And yes, those raging hormones right now... LOL
I keep thinking about Gram, who bottle fed all of her babies because that's what the doctors said was best for them back in those days. Was Gram any less of a mother? An emphatic NO, in fact, she is the ultimate mother role model. So just keep all five of those kiddos happy with plenty of attention and lots of formula for Sam!
I really struggled with having enough milk to feed Bennett as well and I tried everything to increase my supply but nothing worked. So after a month of dealing with a baby who wanted to eat constantly because he wasn't getting enough to eat, my mom persuaded me to supplement with a bottle. At first, I wouldn't do it because I felt like a complete failure and I was scared that once he tried the bottle he wouldn't nurse anymore. But once I tried it and it actually kept my baby full, it was the best decision I have ever made. So now, I give him two bottles of formula a day and nurse the rest of the time. I've been really lucky that he'll do both. The best part of it has been that I get to keep my sanity now. Nursing can be so hard and frustrating especially when your baby is a newborn and I can't even imagine going through that and taking care of four other children. You made the best decision for you and Sam. Now you can be a better mom to all of your kids:)
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