Overwhelmed

Emma is the poster child for neglect these days. The two teenagers pretty much get what they need because they are pretty self-sufficient to begin with, and have the emotional/social skills to tell me what they need. Connor is almost in the same category, he's just a little more high-maintenance because of his age. But still, he's doing okay because he can tell me what he wants. Sam gets what he wants, because his needs are so simple and being the newborn, he gets a lot of attention. Emma is getting the short stick, because she's two and very busy, but can't verbalize her thoughts and feelings very well. She's lost the cute baby position of indulgence, and has entered the "we expect more out of you because you know better" phase of her life, which really isn't going to go away. These pics tell a little story:

Apr 20th - Emma was so cute, hauling her stuff around in her backpack.

But this picture tells a bit more of the story - getting tired in the chaos of our house, she just curled up on the kitchen table and went to sleep.

Poor baby, one of her main entertainments is to play with the buttons on the dvd player and tv on our kitchen table and watch movies.

Just yesterday, I stayed home from church with Emma, because she had a cold with a green snotty nose that made her ineligible for nursery. Plus, I was feeling exhausted and antisocial, so it didn't take much to keep me home from church. Anyway, although I thought we could enjoy a few good moments to ourselves while everyone else was gone and Sammy was asleep, Emma and I had a sad moment when I was changing her diaper. She was kicking me and wouldn't stop, so I gave her a swat on her butt. Usually, she would cry and want to be comforted, but after a mini-lecture from me, she just took her weepy self to her crib, crawled in, and went to sleep. It just broke my heart, I felt so sad that she's developing this necessary independence because her Mommy just can't get to her very often. She gets attention from other people in the house, but I just feel too distant from her most of the time.

Which leads me to the topic of how I'm doing. I always meant to blog about the two sessions I've had with a therapist, but time got away from me right before Sam was born, and ever since then there's been too many other things to think about. But that's deeper and more time consuming than I want to go into right now. Basically, right now I'm in that place that every woman is in with a newborn - trying to juggle responsibilities, yet also dealing with sleep deprivation. It's completely textbook, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. While I've solved the problem of feeding Sam, now we're into the phase where he's learning how to sleep. The first few weeks seemed to come easy: if you fed him, changed his diaper, cuddled him for a while, he would go to sleep. But now he really fights it all the time. It's an ordeal getting him to sleep, and he won't stay asleep for more than a few hours at a time. It's tough love time, where he has to be taught how to fall asleep on his own, so he can sleep for longer periods of time. It can take 10 to 12 hours to accumulate six to eight hours of sleep for me, so the time I have to do anything productive is really cut down. I'm still mentally slow, but I can tell that it's not hormone dependent anymore, I just need some consistent sleep. Plus, I'm back to studying my medical transcription course material. The extra tax return money is almost gone, and I have no choice but to push myself every day to get done so I can start earning some money. Good grief, we've got five kids now. All of a sudden, it just feels so overwhelming. The house is dirty all the time, I'm tired, I'm stressed about money, I feel like a mediocre mother, and though I love my family, sometimes I wish I could escape into a little rift in time so I could hide out by myself for a week with only me and Sammy to take care of. With everyone in the house, it's just input/output overload. I really miss those two days in the hospital. Sort of makes a girl wish she could run away to a spa for a month after the birth of a baby. But duty calls, and the moths flying out of my pocketbook nix that concept.

Two Weeks Old

On the 19th, I took Sam in for his two-week well-baby checkup. Remember, he weighed 8lb. 4.9 oz. at birth, 7 lb. 12 oz. leaving the hospital, 7 lb. 15 oz. 6 days after birth. But on the 19th, he weighed 8lb. 13 oz. One pound in a week. Go Sammy! It's a relief knowing he's doing well. And I'm over the drama of nursing. Knowing I can feed him as much as he needs, and that he's healthy, is a good feeling.

My five children. This was as good at it got on Apr 20th. I got three pics, and then everyone scattered.

Apr 20 - two weeks old. Swallowed by the pants, but he'll grow into them.

Bring on the Dirt

Apr 15 - Spring has been approaching for several weeks. For several weeks after the flurry of snow on the day Sam was born, we had spring weather and Emma and Connor ventured out into the back yard to dig around in the dirt.

Emma loves to eat dirt and rocks. Every time she comes in from playing in the dirt patch that is our back yard, her mouth is covered in dirt. Though, I think she just savors the rocks and spits them out when she's done.

Two compatriots in our dirt patch. I've been saying for several summers that we need to put grass in our back yard. Think it will happen this year?

First Dunk in the Tub

On Thursday, Apr 15, Sam's cord fell off, so we gave him his first dunk in the baby tub. I took tons of pictures, but there wasn't a "cute" one in the bunch. Mostly, Sam just had these funky expressions on his face. That's the way it is with newborns - they scrunch their faces around all the time. Frequent cuteness is still a few months down the road.

Emma was fascinated by Sammy in the tub.




"Aren't we done yet?"

A fuzzy head, just like a baby chick.

Gil in Carnival

The week Sammy was born, Gil was one of the lead actors in the Rock Springs High School production of the musical Carnival. It's a tale of a young ingenue who comes to the carnival looking for work. There, she meets a magician and a puppeteer, and by the end of the musical, must choose which one she loves. Gil played the puppeteer, a grumpy bitter man who was once a famous dancer, but now whose glory days are over. Through his puppets, he woos the young woman, and by the end of the musical, they are in love. Gil did a great job! It was a lot of fun for him, and it was a great feeling of success to get to play such a big role in the musical.

Thursday, April 8, was opening night, and my Mom got to go see Gil in the musical.

Dani and I were there, too. I brought Sammy, who was kind enough to his mother to stay asleep the whole play.

This, and the rest of the pics, were taken by Sue, when she came down on Saturday, April 10. She brought her kids, and she, Lily, and Dani got to go see Gil perform in the musical.

One Week Old

Baby Sam was one week old yesterday. Happy One Week Birthday!

It's subtle, but I think his face is changing and filling out already. Love me a chunky baby! He was 8lb 4.9 oz. when he was born, 7lb. 12 oz. when he left the hospital, and 7lb. 15 oz. when I took him to our doc's office for a weight check Monday. By his two-week birthday, I bet he's over his birth weight. Keep chugging that formula, baby!

It feels like time is getting away from me in great rushing torrents down a mighty river, and all I have to hold it is a thimble. My sweet baby Sammy. There is hardly enough snuggling time.

Connor is my most hard-headed, but he is also my best snuggler! He's always coming up and kissing Sam on the head, and saying, "Awww, Baby Sam is so cute!"

Even the teenage boy loves the cute baby.

I forgot to get pics of Dani and Emma with Sam yesterday, but Dani is definitely the Mom's Assistant when it comes to Sam, even to the point where I feel like beating her off with a stick so I can have my own snuggle time with Sam. Emma notices Sam every now and then throughout the day, calling him by name and looking at him, but she mostly just likes knowing that Mommy and Sammy and everyone are there, and that all is right in her world so that she can go do her own thing. And Zen was at work yesterday, out in the oil fields. Although, he did get to come home for a few hours. Tonight was the same, and he got a little snuggle time with Sam, and decided that he was the Daddy Hot Rock, more than able to keep Sam snuggly warm on his big chest.

Picking Your Battles

Oh man, Monday was super emotional! Let's go back a few days, to the first night home from the hospital. It was really draining the first day back home. I was moving around like a cripple from my c-section surgery scars, and trying to give enough attention to all my children. Then, that night my Mom, Dani, and I went to see opening night for Gil's play. I had to send them out the door instead of us all going together, so I could finish nursing Sam. I was a couple minutes late, and I forgot to bring my camera, but I got to see Gil's play and Sammy stayed asleep the whole time. Thank goodness! At the hospital, Sam was a really good nurser, had maybe one or two slightly rough patches with that, but basically everything was wonderful. But Thursday night, I must have spent three or four hours nursing him off and on, trying to get him to go to sleep, so I could sleep. I was so strung out, I just thought, "I can't have nights like this, I have too many other things to take care of, too many needs to meet." So, I cracked open the can of formula, and filled up his tummy with a bottle. Long story short, that was the beginning of the end of the nursing. Sam's appetite was picking up, and with the trouble I have always had with my milk supply, I just didn't want to string out the struggle to be a nursing mother, and I began supplementing him with formula after every time I nursed him. If I was super, super determined to nurse him, I should not have given him formula for nearly another two weeks, but he would have been starving (Emma kept losing weight the first few weeks I tried to nurse her, and I just didn't want a repeat this time) and it would have been a big drain on me emotionally to keep going, fighting a baby's hunger and frustration. Just not possible with four other kids in the house to keep up with, even if the teenagers are helpful, which they truly are.

I don't know why I keep doing this to myself, but with the birth of every one of my children, I have this vision of "true motherhood" or something, and I can't help but try and make myself a good nurser, despite experience to the contrary. It's always so emotional to start the formula, it makes me feel like a failure, even though I know it's illogical. It should be about what's best for the baby, not what my emotional needs are. So, for several days, I just kept trying and trying to keep the nursing going, even though Sam quickly screamed and cried every time I tried to nurse, and soon he just quit trying, going to sleep instead of seriously trying to get any milk out of me. By Monday, I knew the nursing was over with, and I've only been nursing him for a few minutes several times a day since then, just to take the edge off my overly full breasts. Yeah, I know, it sounds like I have lots of milk for him, but trust me, it's not anywhere near what he would need, even if he was still willing to nurse. But I was very weepy Monday.

And then Dani and I had some wonderful moments just sitting and watching tv together after school Monday. Big Ben was on a show, and that led to a conversation about the building of the Salt Lake Temple, and that led to Dani pouting because she'd gotten some historical facts wrong and she hates being wrong, and that led to my trying to console and sooth her emotions, and then telling her the wonderful things about her (she's so helpful to other children, she's fun and bubbly, and she's strong.) Drama queen stuff, I know, but she's a teenager, and a girl at that. But we love her. It was a random moment, but I felt really warm and close with her. I was weepy during this, too. But then later, Dani was cranky and strung out during Family Home Evening, and that made me cry for an entirely different, and not happy, reason. So, everyone went to bed early that night, and when I woke up the next day with a little more sleep under my belt, I was better and a little more positively resigned to having Sam be a bottle-fed baby. Sometimes, you just have to pick your battles.

The Great Zen Daddy Helper

Enough words cannot be said about how awesome Zen was the week or so he got to be home for Sammy's birth. He helped switch the two bedrooms upstairs (a major undertaking we'd been talking about for months) so Gil could finally be in a room by himself, took care of kids while I was in the hospital (he did get sick of being the chauffeur, though), cleaned our bathroom, kept the house picked up, and did a LOT of laundry.

My brain was out to lunch this day, or I would have taken "before" and "after" pics, but on Friday, 2 April, we all pitched in and switched the two upstairs bedrooms. In the big room had been Gil and Connor, and in the small room had been Emma and all the toys. Here is Zen, taking apart the bunk bed in Gil and Connor's room, in preparation for moving it into Emma's room. First, we moved everything in Emma's room out into the tv room, then moved Gil's bunkbed into Emma's room, and then moved everything from the tv room into the big bedroom, which is now Connor and Emma's room. A friend in the ward had coincidentally the week before given us a twin bed she was no longer using. Count your blessings! The frame is pink, but we are not complaining. Maybe we will paint it this summer. Now, there is less tension at bedtime, because Gil can lollygag like a teenager and stay up later without keeping up Connor, while Connor and Emma can now go to bed at the same time and sleep in the same room, which Connor often begged for, anyway. Kismet!

I wish I'd gotten pictures of Zen folding laundry, but we'll have to settle for a picture of a clean laundry room. Okay, it's not spotless, but if you had any idea of how it usually looks, you could more fully appreciate how industrious Zen was.

Here's one of Zen just this past Saturday, helping Mac and Connor get some lunch. Go Mr. Mom!!

I LOVE YOU SWEETIE!!!!!!

Since We Came Home, First Bath

The first night home was draining, but I'll talk about that in the next few posts. Mom went home Friday afternoon, after visiting with Zen's parents, who came down to see Sam and to attend Gil's performance in the high school musical, Carnival. Again, there will be a separate post for that, and will also mention Sue's visit, with her kids, to see the play Saturday. But here are Zen's parents, Ron and Rose:
This makes the thirteenth, and probably last, grandchild for Ron and Rose. But great-grandchildren are probably not far behind. That is not an annoucement of ANY variety. Thank you very much.

I debated Sunday morning whether or not to go to church, but it worked out that I finished feeding Sam at just the right time to allow me to shower, get dressed, and help get the other kids ready for church. Dani and I also took a few minutes to give Sam his first sponge bath at home:

Dani loves to be the Sammy helper, developing and practicing her nurturing skills.


Aren't we done yet? It's frosty out here!

I hurried and finished up, so we could get to church. Miraculously, we walked in just when it started.

A little Mommy milk, a bottle, or even a bink would help. Sam loves to suck on his hands when nothing else is available. That might be all that movement I felt low in my abdomen the last month of my pregnancy, even though he was head-down. He must have been moving his hands like crazy.

Naked babies are so cute!

I meant to get a picture of Sam in his first outfit to church, and by the end of Sunday night, I was regretting not having gotten a picture of him, but when I downloaded the pics last night, I discovered someone had me covered after all. Was it Connor or Dani? This outfit was from my Mom, the Grammie, along with some other fantastic, and fantastically needed, newborn clothes she picked up at Wal-Mart. She was a great help last week. I'm so glad she was here, too.

Done At the Hospital

Odds and ends from the last two days in the hospital:

I finally got to eat "real" food the next day after Sam was born. I was so sick of 7-Up and Jello!

Connor loved playing with the bed controls. He's so curious, he has to know how things work. Emma was just a monkey, and it was hilarious to watch them be glued to the tv in the room. Mom, who's Mom?

Emma was very cranky and upset whenever she visited at the hospital. If she could talk very well, I'd bet she'd say, "I miss you! When are you coming home. I'm so mad that you are not there!" P.S. - That's marker on her face.

Blizzard conditions the day Sam was born. And that led to...

My Mom has this tradition of picking out teddy bears to represent each one of her grandchildren. While browsing the selection at the hospital gift shop, she found this bear with nice frosty blue and white fur, just perfectly representing the frosty day Sam was born. Emma is really into stuffed animals these days, and she loved to hold the Sam Frosty bear.

Emma was enchanted with her new baby brother Sam...

...or maybe just his bink. She's been a notorious binky thief ever since we brought Sam home.

Zen and I got to have the traditional couple's dinner served up by the staff of the hospital cafeteria. Dani and Mom stayed home with Connor and Emma, so it was like a real date.

The day we left the hospital, Thursday. You'd never know it was blizzarding two days before. That's spring snow in Wyoming. On the left is the o.b. wing, where Sam was born and I recovered, and on the right is the main entrance.

All packed up and ready to go. The whole hospital had undergone a renovation recently, and the o.b. wing was new and spiffy. It was a lovely room to stay in. Some people hate staying in the hospital, but I love it, because I get a break from having to take care of things, and people are there to help me and get me what I need.

We had the hardest time picking out a middle name for Sam. We were just having no vibes whatsoever, be it family names or any other source. The last bit of paperwork to finish filling out before we left the hospital was the info for the birth certificate. Zen wrote some names on the dry erase board in my room, just names he, Dani, and I liked.

It took forever, but we finally narrowed it down to Samuel Zachary Allred.

Dani dressed Sam in his going-home outfit. Isn't she so beautiful? You get a glimpse of what she will look like when she's a woman. I catch myself looking at her, or she catches me looking at her, at random moments, and this is what I'm doing - imagining her as a woman, and the happy feelings it gives me. Dani often says, "You're doing it again!"

These are the three receiving blankets I sewed for Sam, with burp rags. Before and during the sewing, Emma took such a liking to the froggy fabric, that I wound up finding some more froggy fabric, but with a pink background, at Wal-Mart and made a pink froggy blanket just for her. It's because her favorite movie right now is the Princess Frog.

Dani helped to sew them. We worked on them while we listened to General Conference the weekend before Sam was born.

Baby Sam all packed up and ready to go. It was stressful getting out of there, because I invited the older kids to come and be with us when we took Sammy out of the hospital and took him home, but there were all these little details to take care of, like picking the middle name, and admittedly, I made it worse by trying to take just one more picture, and shooting a little video of the hospital room before I left. Zen and Gil were waiting out in the car with Emma, who was freaked out, and crying in her car seat.

It was good to be home and for everyone to have Mommy back, and there wasn't a medical reason to stay, but I have to say, a part of me wished I could stay alone at the hospital one more day, or maybe a week?