My Retraction

I feel so humbled today. Humbled not in a "I am a lowly worm" kind of way, but in a grateful, heart-overflowing-with-gratitude kind of way. I think it's obvious from the last few posts that I have been having a case of the blahs, and not really been up to my best. Kind of being crude, lackadaisical, sit-down-in-the-middle-of-the-road-because-I-just-don't-feel-like-walking-anymore kind of attitude. Having not so great thoughts, struggling a lot through some sludge, and wanting to get on top of it, and get back to being useful.

But I was standing in sacrament meeting today, singing in the choir between speakers. And as the song had just finished, and I was putting down my music, I looked over at our choir director, Sister Riddle, and I thought about how she had hesitantly asked us, in our brief practice before church, to change something in the last few measures of the song. She is always saying how inadequate she feels as a director. And standing there, I just had this moment of love for her as our performance was over, knowing that I was willing, without question, to do as she asked. I had submitted myself to her direction with love, and would do so gladly again, and always feel that way. I felt warmth from the Spirit break through the general mess in my head, and I felt so grateful that the Spirit would give something to me, anything, after the last few days. I just felt grateful for the rest of the meetings, grateful that even though I'm kind of a putz sometimes, that I have so many issues to overcome, but that Heavenly Father is still mindful of me, still willing to bless me, even with something so small.

I can keep going, keep allowing for the possibility of progression, still grateful instead of discouraged that the bar is higher, excited about a higher place to reach to instead of slown down by my own mediocrity. I seriously could use some improvement in some areas, and some things probably flat-out need an intervention, but despite my weaknesses and stubbornness, I know that I love Heavenly Father and the Savior, and just want to be useful to them, to love and serve their children, as they have given so much to us, to me personally. I find it hard to comprehend at times, in the billions, trillions, of people that have lived on just this planet, not even counting any others, how they could love me personally, and how to comprehend having a personal relationship with them in the eternities, but I just know I want to please them, to be fundamentally good, and to partake in the joy that I have been fortunate enough to experience at times here, and hope to partake of in even greater measure in the eternities.

End Post #73, 2009